from Velominati: The Rules

the rulesAs Patrick and I are now part of a team that rides in races and employs “strategy” (, we’ve been enlightened on some of the rules of cycling. Because I’m a good guy and care about the well-being of my teammates, I’ve decided to share such rules. Unfortunately, we have a few offenders:

Rule 9: If you are out riding in bad weather, it means you are a badass.  Period. (Therefore those of us who rode in LiveStrong ’10, we are all badasses. Congratulations.)

Rule 23: If it’s not cold or wet and you are still wearing shoe covers because you’re a pussy, your name is probably George Hincapie (Gerald)

Rule 30: Ditto for frame-mounted pumps.  Either Co2 cannisters or mini-pumps should be carried in jersey pockets.  The only exception to this rule  is to mount a Silca brand frame pump in the rear triangle of the frame, with the rear wheel skewer as the pump mount nob, as demonstrated by members of the 7-Eleven and Ariostea pro cycling teams. As such, a frame pump mounted upside-down and along the left (skewer lever side) seat stay is both old skool and euro and thus acceptable.  We restate at this time that said pump may under no circumstances be a Zefal and must be made by Silca.  It is acceptable to gaffer-tape a mini-pump to your frame when no C02 cannisters are available and your pockets are full of spare kit and energy gels.  However, the rider should expect to be stopped and questioned and may be required to empty pockets to prove there is no room in them for the pump.  Said Silca pump must be fitted with a Campagnolo head. (Steve)

Rule 31: Spare tubes, multi-tools and repair kits should be stored in jersey pockets, or in a converted bidon in a cage on bike. (Wyatt)

Rule 32: Hydration packs are never to be seen on a road rider’s body.  No argument will be entered into on this. (Doug)

Rule 42: A bike race shall never be preceeded with a swim and/or followed by a run. (A shitload of us. Damn.)

Rule 54: Aerobars or other clip-on attachments are under no circumstances to be employed on your road bike.  The only exception to this is if you are competing in a mountain timetrial. (Gerald)

Rule 62: You shall not ride with earphones. Cycling is about getting outside and into the elements and you don’t need to be listening to Queen or Slayer in order to experience that. Immerse yourself in the rhythm and pain, not in whatever 80′s hair band you call “music”.  (Steve)

Rule 65: Bicycles must adhere to the Principle of Silence and as such must be meticulously maintained.  No squeaks, creaks, or chain noise allowed.  Only the soothing hum of your tires upon the tarmac and the rhythm of your breathing may be audible when riding.  When riding the Pave, the sound of chain slap is acceptable. The Principle of Silence can be extended to say that if you are suffering such that your breathing begins to adversely effect the enjoyment of the other riders in the bunch, you are to summarily sit up and allow yourself to be dropped. (Mike)

Rule 74: Computers, GPS, PowerTaps, SRMs;  If you are not a Pro, then you don’t need a SRM or PowerTap.  To paraphrase BSNYC, an amateur cyclist using a power meter is like hiring an accountant to tell you how poor you are.  As for Garmins, how often do you get lost on a ride?  They are bulky, ugly and superflous. Ditch the HRM and ride on feel; little compares to the pleasure of riding as hard as your mind will allow. Cycle computers should be simple, small and mounted on the stem.  And preferably wireless. (Crap. Me, Gerald, Mike, Chris, Steve, Doug, and probably more)

The full list of rules

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About Wyatt B.

The creative genius behind the team, I keep us looking dang good on the road. When not designing logos and websites and such, I wonder to myself why I ever left the flats of Minneapolis for the hills of southeastern PA. Maybe someday we'll get along.

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